I am two seconds away from death. Sweaty. Hot. spent 30 minutes walking uphill in omaha heat.. My glasses are broken- super glued sith bit of toilet paper mixed in and matte scotch tape wrapped around the arm. I can feel my pulse through myy temple. I think im a third to suicide. bright eyes is making it better and worse, as worse a psyche like mine can get. I want this school building to suffer a catastrophic event that renders the structural integrity fragile. Its old as fuck anyway. I think about killing myself a lot now. I think getting accustomed to being surround3d with people and haavinv frequent social interaction only for it to be taken from you is a recipe for ending up with a dead teenager. I never used to feel this way. I only ever did after my first heartbreak (pathetic, cliche, embarrassing quite frankly embarrassing) and it was more if a spur of the moment kind of thing. This is like. Relentless. Nagging. It might be because i stopped taking my meds suddenly. Probably. Im never good with stuff like that, keeping dates . i dont know if i gife the impression of a pathetic depressed loser to other people because honestky i think im so boring, so overlooked, not even worth remembering that i blend into the crowd and look like nothing. Like im invisible. I am. Other people praise invisibility or lament it, but i feel they dont truly understand it the way i do. It sounds like im gatekeeping loneliness. I think i am. At least if youre a punching bag people spare the time to acknowledge how much of a loser you are, you knoe? I dint know. Im going to get a job and maybe save up eneouh cash to run away to chicago for a week. That sounds nice. Maybe i just need a life-altering event to fix me. Maybe im delusional and think im conor oberst. Maybe ill end up dead in an alley after being date-raped. I dont know.. Thsts a pretty pathetic death though. Id like to die better than thst, prefersbky in a way thst preserves my beauty. Like blood loss or poison or multiple organ failure but only the cute kind. I just want friends, honestly. I wish i could have friends.

i'm terrified that i am the very person i hate (is a strong word and doesn't quite fit in this circumstance.)

i'm becoming them in nature, in mannerism, in the way they lie and hide away and lash out. we are so similar it's like there was never any separation between us to begin with. like jekyll and hyde. like gemini. like the halves of a brain.

i'm the prodigal son caught in a sisyphean cycle, doomed to squander my fortunes (you) and end up back home: nowhere u.s.a. with no-one.

Welcome to my webbed site. This is going to be a blog of sorts—
somewhere i can dribble my stupid juvenile thoughts.

The layout is inspired by early 2000's Wordpress blogs. I don't expect anyone to visit this shitpage but if you happen to stumble across, thank you for visiting!